This is my life today. I haven’t felt this stressed in a while and it isn’t just because I don’t feel adequately prepared for my test that is in less than an hour. It is the psych test + the internship + the summer biology class + paying for my summer class + fall tuition + the impending graduation (yes, I am actually graduating) + bills + migraines + my last banquet and last event as President etc etc. I am sad and happy and scared and afraid and unsure of exactly what the future just might hold. If you couldn’t tell by now, I am a worrier and I am not ashamed to say I get it from my grandma. I love that woman to death but I could have done without this horrible trait.
My anxiety seems to be so bad, I can’t eat (minus the bag of m&m’s sitting on my desk of course). I am doing everything possible to just keep the tears on the inside until I get home. But let me clarify something for you, I am not complaining about any of this. I just simply need to put all of these worries out into the universe because I believe that there is someone out there somewhere who not one is going through the same thing and who needs to hear that it gets better. But also because there is someone who has already been here and knows exactly what I mean. I’m just asking the universe for some good juju and some positive rain dances and I don’t think that is too much to ask.
Sometimes it takes a really long time to figure out exactly where all the pieces fit together. I don’t have all the answers and clearly I have made many mistakes. I am not done living and I am not ready to give up trying to figure out my puzzle either. To remember this moment, exactly how it feels and tastes I must live. I need to step off the edge of the cliff and let my fears go. No plans, no back ups, no games or reasons why. Life is such a funny short little window of time and I can’t just sit on the side lines to watch it pass by.
“Nothing that is worth the wait has ever been easy.” – or something like that, right? I’ve always struggled with finding my path and knowing what I wanted to do separate from my mothers dreams for me, my peers hopes and my siblings aspirations.
Those moments when you realize why you haven’t been happy, I feel like those are the moments to documents so I remember not to travel down that path again. I got lost in the a dream that was once mine but no longer is. Along with not knowing where I wanted to end up, it became a tangled spider web of emotion; some ugly, some blue, mostly cloudy.
I am embracing this feeling. It is okay and it will be okay. I am only temporarily lost on my journey to what I want to be. It is worth the wait to take my take my time and figure things out piece by piece.
It’s just one of those days when you sit down and realize just how much work and dedication you have put into one project and you feel like you have nothing left to give. In the first stage of the five stages of grief they say that you experience denial and isolation.
“1. Denial and Isolation – It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.” (http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617)
I think I am dwelling here and in acceptance. I have begun to accept that I do not know what my plan is, nor do I have a back up plan or a back up plan for my back plan any longer. I have absolutely no idea what direction my life is headed in. When I put my head down at night and when I wake up in the morning, my goal has simply become to be happy. What that looks like I am not exactly sure, but I know that it has many forms. I know that my heart still wants to plan events and put on shows. I don’t know where or when I will know what I am going to do. But I am no longer worried about finding out. I am simply going to be and when it happens, it does.