JuJu.

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This is my life today. I haven’t felt this stressed in a while and it isn’t just because I don’t feel adequately prepared for my test that is in less than an hour.  It is the psych test + the internship + the summer biology class + paying for my summer class + fall tuition  + the impending graduation (yes, I am actually graduating) + bills + migraines + my last banquet and last event as President etc etc. I am sad and happy and scared and afraid  and unsure of exactly what the future just might hold. If you couldn’t tell by now, I am a worrier and I am not ashamed to say I get it from my grandma. I love that woman to death but I could have done without this horrible trait. 

My anxiety seems to be so bad, I can’t eat (minus the bag of m&m’s sitting on my desk of course). I am doing everything possible to just keep the tears on the inside until I get home. But let me clarify something for you, I am not complaining about any of this. I just simply need to put all of these worries out into the universe because I believe that there is someone out there somewhere who not one is going through the same thing and who needs to hear that it gets better. But also because there is someone who has already been here and knows exactly what I mean. I’m just asking the universe for some good juju and some positive rain dances and I don’t think that is too much to ask. 

End rant.

always.

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“Take Me”

                                                                                                    By: Hawk Nelson
Can you hear me? Does anyone around me
Feel the way that I feel now?
Cause from the window where I sometimes cry
I just want to see Your face tonight
And I’m willing to lose everything I am

Cause I need you more than ever
I need Your help to find where I’ve been going wrong so far

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You’re not alone.

When You’re near me, I feel like I just found me
In the traces of the boy from yesterday
But in a world that is so black and white
I will take the steps to change my life
And I won’t be coming back to here again

I need Your loving hand to guide me
Through the maze of all the things inside me
Then I’ll know that I’m alright

Cause I need You more than ever
I need Your help to find where I’ve been going wrong so far

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You’re not alone
Please help me get from worse to better
Before these tears soak through this lonely sweater
And let me know that I’m alright
I still have one strike of this match left
And I’m holding on to my last breath
And its getting a little dark around to see here

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in your eyes
Hold on cause it will be alright
You’re not alone

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in your eyes
Hold on it will be alright
You’re not alone

And You’ll be here forever, forever You’ll stay
And You promised to love me, You’ll love me always
You’ll love me for always, You’ll love me for always
Always

 

6 Things Every Extrovert Secretly Has To Deal With

Thought Catalog

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[tc-related post=297300 align=left]

Over the past few years I’ve noticed a growing number of articles exclaiming, “How To Take Care of An Introvert” or “10 Things Everyone Should Understand About Introverts” and while I have no real problem with introverts and introversion, my issue is with the fact that people of the internet seem to have romanticized introversion in a way that turns any possible social impediments a person might have into desirable quirky traits. Not only this, but extroverts are suddenly the bad guys for not understanding introverts or mistreating introverts, etc, etc.

As a self-proclaimed extrovert, I’m pretty sick and tired of people assuming that introverts are the only people who have got it hard. Really, seriously? Are we really going to play this game? Now you look here, mister. Extroverts may not seem as delicate or may not seem as complex and diverse, but extroverts have…

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A funny little thing..

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Sometimes it takes a really long time to figure out exactly where all the pieces fit together. I don’t have all the answers and clearly I have made many mistakes. I am not done living and I am not ready to give up trying to figure out my puzzle either. To remember this moment, exactly how it feels and tastes I must live. I need to step off the edge of the cliff and let my fears go. No plans, no back ups, no games or reasons why. Life is such a funny short little window of time and I can’t just sit on the side lines to watch it pass by.

The Journey.

“Nothing that is worth the wait has ever been easy.” – or something like that, right? I’ve always struggled with finding my path and knowing what I wanted to do separate from my mothers dreams for me, my peers hopes and my siblings aspirations.

Those moments when you realize why you haven’t been happy, I feel like those are the moments to documents so I remember not to travel down that path again. I got lost in the a dream that was once mine but no longer is. Along with not knowing where I wanted to end up, it became a tangled spider web of emotion; some ugly, some blue, mostly cloudy.

I am embracing this feeling. It is okay and it will be okay. I am only temporarily lost on my journey to what I want to be. It is worth the wait to take my take my time and figure things out piece by piece.

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Let It Be.

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It’s just one of those days when you sit down and realize just how much work and dedication you have put into one project and you feel like you have nothing left to give. In the first stage of the five stages of grief they say that you experience denial and isolation. 

 

“1. Denial and Isolation –  It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.” (http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

 

I think I am dwelling here and in acceptance. I have begun to accept that I do not know what my plan is, nor do I have a back up plan or a back up plan for my back plan any longer. I have absolutely no idea what direction my life is headed in. When I put my head down at night and when I wake up in the morning, my goal has simply become to be happy. What that looks like I am not exactly sure, but I know that it has many forms. I know that my heart still wants to plan events and put on shows. I don’t know where or when I will know what I am going to do. But I am no longer worried about finding out. I am simply going to be and when it happens, it does.