At first I want to question if I did or said something wrong? And it hurts to leave things with this heavy feeling in my heart. However I know that there is nothing left to be said..
Friendships ending or what you thought was a friendship, ending really sucks. It feels like the floor falls out from underneath you when someone that you have told all your dirty little secrets to for the past 5 years, walks out of your life without one word or acknowledgement of why. Should I be crying? Should I be more upset? I feel like I should, but I just can’t. This is one of those things that will hit me like a ton of bricks, months from now and I will be sobbing my eyes out not really knowing why and then it will hit me, homie.
I had always banked on you being at my wedding and being there for me when I had my first “BIG” fight after I was married. We’ve been through a lot together and to just cut me off, it hurts and it sucks and I hate you. I no longer served a purpose in your life. You stopped loving me a very long time ago and often I question whether you ever even did at all.
I’m not sure if unfriending my was your idea or hers but I guess it was time. As much as I wish I could say that I want to be friends and make our friendship work, I know this is better. I’ve moved on with my life, I’ve learned to love again and I am making strides in my career and with school.
Moving forward, I wish you the best. You will always be my best friend. As much as I hate you right now, you will always be welcome in my home. I will love you until the day I die. You will always be my homie, my lover and my friend.
Annnnnnnnd she’s back. This has taken me sometime to write, partly due to time and partly because I had no idea what to say. I am still unsure of what to say and how to say it but 2015 is supposed to be the ‘year of no fear’. So I am dedicating this first piece to my three best friends who have helped me in more ways then they know. – SIDENOTE: The significance of the number three can be found in an earlier post.
1. Joseph – thankful for inspiring me and encouraging me to start writing again. Thank you for deciphering my rant texts and giving the best advice that you can. Thank you for making me laugh when I just want to cry. You have stuck by my side through all these crazy college years when I am finding myself and who I am and for that I am forever grateful. You are the sweetest and I am so happy you’re happy.
2. Arielle – my coco diva, you know something is up with just a look. You are the greatest sisterfriend that I could ever ask for. No matter what shit we have going on you are there for me when I need you the most and I am beyond blessed to have you in my life. Your positive demeanor and go-gett’em attitude inspires me to pursue life with the greatest of passion and love. Thank you for showing me what chasing your dreams with love looks like.
3. Colton – scruffy wuffy babybear, I love you so much. You are patience in so many ways that I am not. You look at the world through eyes of compassion and care and share my desire to create a better world. It is amazing to me that you are willing to stand and fight to break down my walls while most would walk away. You have a beautiful soul and a young heart. I can’t wait to put the 1600+ miles aside and change the world with you.
Thank you for loving me. I realize that to each of you I am frustrating in my own unique way. Thank you for sticking by my side and showing me that I am worth loving.
I am not sure where the rest of this year will take us but in this moment and always, I am grateful for you.
From this moment forward, I choose to do something greater, with purpose, with meaning, outside of myself, every day and I challenge you to do the same.
One of the greatest blessings I have learned in life is that there is no point in stressing over people, places or things that do not belong in my life. If they/it were meant to be here they would find a way to make it work. I have such a bright future set before me to set such a little thing hold me back. So here’s to the future + bring on the blessings 🎀💋💜
Picking up those pieces + moving on is still something I haven’t quite figured out how to do when it comes to you and I. When you start to love someone so much that you lose yourself in that love, that is how you know it’s real. The love that cuts deep and the simplest thing sets off another trail blaze. Falling in love again and again, day after day, visit after visit: true love.
I never planned for this to happen. I didn’t come looking for you anymore than you came looking for you. You were my first true love, now and hopefully forever, my best friend. You’ve broken my heart time and time again but still I have never turned you away. I’m there for you when you need me, regardless of time or space. So why is it not returned? You said you loved me once. I’m not sure if it’s just me or the way that I feel right now but sometimes love really isn’t love. I will forever be your bestfriend. But I can no longer love you the same.
It will never be socially acceptable in my book to tear someone down to wear their heart on their sleeve. I am not talking about being overly emotional either. I am just not the type of person to blow smoke up your ass. Some might call me direct, authoritative maybe even a little abrasive at times which in the right situation is necessary in due diligence. In my last three years through programming, I have evolved and transformed into a completely different person. Before I was shy and scared to take action; now I am able to walk into a room and command. I have put my heart and soul, [and at times my education] on the line to bring an almost dead organization to life. Many sleepless nights, many red bulls, many laughs, many tears, many friends and it has all come down to these last few months.
I stand side by side with a group that has no faith in the work; years, months, days, hours and minutes I have dedicated tirelessly. – that being said, I’ve learned not to give up on myself + my dreams. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to go your own path to find your own happiness. & sometimes people aren’t going to just offer to help, you have to be willing to ask.
Appreciate the people around you; you never know what they are teaching you in that moment.
This is my life today. I haven’t felt this stressed in a while and it isn’t just because I don’t feel adequately prepared for my test that is in less than an hour. It is the psych test + the internship + the summer biology class + paying for my summer class + fall tuition + the impending graduation (yes, I am actually graduating) + bills + migraines + my last banquet and last event as President etc etc. I am sad and happy and scared and afraid and unsure of exactly what the future just might hold. If you couldn’t tell by now, I am a worrier and I am not ashamed to say I get it from my grandma. I love that woman to death but I could have done without this horrible trait.
My anxiety seems to be so bad, I can’t eat (minus the bag of m&m’s sitting on my desk of course). I am doing everything possible to just keep the tears on the inside until I get home. But let me clarify something for you, I am not complaining about any of this. I just simply need to put all of these worries out into the universe because I believe that there is someone out there somewhere who not one is going through the same thing and who needs to hear that it gets better. But also because there is someone who has already been here and knows exactly what I mean. I’m just asking the universe for some good juju and some positive rain dances and I don’t think that is too much to ask.