Happy thanksgiving! – Today is one of my most favorite holidays. The smells, the people, the love — just everything about today is happy for me. I am unbelievably excited to see my grandparents. I spent most of my time with them when I was grow in up and I have the fondest memories of playing hide and seek, Barbies on the fire place and watching Annie an endless number of times. My grandma is in the early stages of dementia and I don’t get to see her much because it hurts my mom to see her go through it. But every moment left is a gift and we should treat it as such. Today shall be interesting to say the least. My family can get a little nuts when were together and I just want to enjoy today.
In preparation for later today I have decided to make a list of all the things I am grateful for.. So here it goes..
1. My education – even though at times I may take it for granted or be completely overwhemeled, I am so thankful for the opportunity.
2. My mom – even though we fight sometimes she always has my back and keeps me grounded.
3. My organizations – though things fall apart, everything always comes back together. I have learned so much in such a short amount of time and grown beyond my wildest dreams.
4. My best friend – for always being there, having the words to say and encouraging me to keep pushing when I want to give up. You da best!
5. Netflix – this may seem crazy to everyone but if I didn’t have Netflix, I would be insane by now. For all my procrastination past, present and future, thank you!
6. My neuro doc – for deciding that upping my meds was a good course of action! I may have bombed my test but I feel awesome. I seriously haven’t felt this good in a long time. I forgot what it was like to live without migraines. And memories fade anyway, right?
7. My boss – she is so great! She has been flexible with my doctors appointments and organization meetings. I know she loves me because she doesn’t want to lose me to an internship! I must me doing something right then?! I love the office I work in! I love helping our students and I love catching cheaters!
As I reflect on all of this, I realize that though at times it might be difficult to still see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is there. I have wonderful people around me to support me, a great job and doing what is best for me. I am thankful to be here and to live right now. I love life.
The other day we got our grades back from our Econ tests we took last week. It would be very fair to say that I didn’t just fail, I bombed it. I walked away from the test feeling content and that is what bothers me the most about my grade. I am first gen and was accepted into the honors program just after my first semester. Granted I am in the 3rd year now and still not done with the program but I am slowly getting there. I am so worried that I won’t be able t o handle two honors classes next semester. I need BOTH classes to graduate with honors, I need ONE honors class and ONE lab science to graduate entirely. I AM STRESSING OUT. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am scared. For anyone that knows me this probably seems really silly. Why you ask? I am already a semester deep at my transfer school of choice, absolutely LOVE my career path and am getting away going to school almost completely debt free. So why am I freaking out so bad?!
I have always put extra pressure on myself to rise above and beyond, go the extra ten miles; sparkle a little brighter. I am gifted and talented in many ways but I have made many mistakes a long the way that have taught me many valuable lessons I wouldn’t trade for anything. When I put my skills to the test, I doubt my ability to rise above and shine brighter because I don’t like to seem like I am “just that awesome.” I doubt myself because I have made so many mistakes and sometimes I am not sure which way is up.
Don’t get me wrong, I am unbelievably proud of myself for all my accomplishments. But today I am freaked out about my future and stressed out about my grades. Some day, maybe in the near future I will look back on this and laugh but that day is not today.
I’m thankful and grateful for the last year and a half of experiences. It’s been great, but I ready to open the next door. So many plans; so little time ❤
“You’re probably gonna blog about this later, right?”
This may be coming a few days late, but better late than never. I’m going to keep this short as we have been down this road many times. You know I love you; as a friend, as a lover and as my homie. I don’t know what I would do without you!
They say you should let someone go if you truly love them and if they come back to you, they’re yours. If they don’t then they never were or it just wasn’t meant to be. I can’t promise I ever really let you go but I do know without a doubt that I love you from the depths of heart.
You could read this and never talk to me again. Or you could choose to still not feel the same way and that’s okay. Maybe you’ll never even read this.. Who knows. I just needed to get it off my chest.
You make me laugh and smile and touch my heart in a way that no one else has. I’m not expecting anything to change between us if that’s not what you want, just please don’t expect me to change the way I feel about you. I love you, always. I choose you.. I’ll always choose you.
“Here’s the truest thing I’ve ever known, the heart is just a muscle with a rhythm all its own. It doesn’t stop when you decide not to move on. The heart knows nothing of your love or of your loss. So life just keeps on ticking by, Compelled by instinct to survive. And love’s the only thing worth being alive for..”
Over the last month I’ve been lucky enough to find exactly what makes my heart pound and my heels click. I have always had a passion for non-profits. I was the President of two diversity groups in high school for goodness sake! I guess I was caught up in the magic of at first not having an advisor for our programming board. It truly was a great taste of freedom, but I made a lot of mistakes and didn’t always play by the book. Now as I look back on my time as president, I’m enjoying it but my heart no longer is in it. I have no interest in this area of student affairs. I very well could see myself in another area, and of course I will always have a special place in my heart for higher education. This place is no longer my home.
I am ready to move forward to bigger and better challenges. I am ready to see what new things are waiting to be explored. It is time my friends, it is time.
Let’s be real, it has been a few days. I have put lots of thought into this post. I felt as though I was straying from my original intensions. Any time I sit down to write I feel like I should be like “Hey diary, it’s me Kimmie!” (If you don’t watch Super Fun Night, you won’t understand that reference but for those of you that do, you’re welcome.) I feel like I am talking to a computer screen and spilling my guts to share my life story and does anyone really care in the end? Is this really making a difference to anyone? I don’t really know but then again that isn’t why I started writing this blog. I started this to challenge myself to do at least one new scary thing a day. What did I do today? I had an interview for an internship I applied for months ago. This is one of the things that has lead me on this journey and one of the original reasons I started writing. I want to remember these experiences and feelings.
I don’t think I have ever been so nervous for something in my entire life. They called me Tuesday night to set up an interview time with me and I was shocked. I knew they were going to call me to set up the interview because I had followed up on my application status a week or so before hand. I was still shocked that I received my first call. The interviewer seemed to be really impressed by my answers and I am praying and rain dancing that I get a second interview. I think this is an awesome experience and I am incredibly proud of myself for putting myself out there and just applying. I’m moving forward and I am making moves. Things may not always play out in my favor but at least I can say I put my best foot forward!
I also happen to have one of the best support systems in the whole world. ❤
Those days when the weather matches your mood? Yeah, those are my favorite and right now it is one of the craziest storms we have had in a long time. I’m mostly anxious and want to curl up into a ball and cry. Yet at the same time I feel like laughing because a huge weight has been lifted.
The last couple of my posts haven’t been that awesome. Losing what I thought was my best friend took a lot out of me. Over the weekend, I re-encountered a good friend that’s been there for me through a lot but we hadn’t talked recently so I knew something was wrong. Turns out he’s going through some similar things and needs some distance, not just from me but everyone to get back on track with his faith. His faith is one of the many things I love about him along with his compassion for others and willingness to listen. He’s a blessing without realizing it and I am glad we became friends, even for a short time.
But why is all this important? Because it has helped me realize I am so much stronger than I was a year ago. Instead of learning to dance in the rain I would have rather sat in the mud puddle. I am faced with new challenges and I take them by the horns each day. I’m willing to fight for things I love until I’m black and blue. I am stronger because I have been blessed with meeting awesome people who let me see myself through their eyes. I’m stronger because I don’t just believe in myself, I know I can.
Every time it rains, I remember how hard I’ve worked to get where I am today. I have a long way to go to reach my dreams. But right now, I am going to dance in the rain and enjoy my blessings while I can.